Inspired by a friend/acquaintance/hopefully-a-friend-again, I've decided to attempt journaling again. I suppose I can no longer think this whole internet thing is going to be a fad, and blogging may even be the way of the future. Who knows?
I guess I've always thought a journal is supposed to be private and posting on the web is the opposite of that. So why bother? Maybe after reading other people's blogs, I've realized how much they help me when I'm feeling like a mess. It's nice to know I'm not the only person who's in pain or finds something funny. Maybe I'm posting out there b/c I need to hold myself accountable for the choices I'm making and I'm too poor to afford therapy.
So the biographical details: I'm a Southern girl, born and bred, I have a dog I adore, my parents are divorced and I have two half siblings. I LOVE cooking, reading, making collages, naps, Netflix, Happy Hour, and my friends. I'm a grad student and I want to teach but b/c I want to be employed someday, obviously I'll never be able to get too specific about that part of my life.
Suffice it to say that it's been a crazy year. I guess the theme of 2010 would be "transitions." I moved into my own apartment, started grad school, had a pseud0-boyfriend, lost said boyfriend, lost a one-time good friend, and realized I'd become this crazy, train-wreck of a bitch I no longer admired or liked.
So hence, the public therapy.
As a rule, I'm a pretty chill person. I don't have a HUGE social circle, but I do have a core group of friends that I would take to a knife fight and I know they'd have my back. My problems (at least this current set) started when I realized I was in love with one of my best friends. Not the girls, so at least I don't have the issue of sexuality to deal with in addition to my other problems.
At any rate, The Keeper (as he'll be known until I come up with a more suitable nickname) and I had been friends since our freshman year of college. Through a series of misunderstandings, we stopped being friends and then we were friends again and then we were secret friends, etc. When he and The Love of His Life had a particularly awful break-up, I talked him through it. To quote him, I saved his life, literally. So we talked every day, realized we had feelings for each other, did the long-distance thing, it didn't work out, we stayed in this holding pattern of Relationship Purgatory. Eventually I moved back to the city to start grad school and he and I were near each other and tried the relationship thing again.
And for awhile it worked. Except it wasn't. I realized his reluctance to declare us in a relationship publicly wasn't working for me and confronted him on it. He promised to work on his issues and I promised to continue being patient. Except I couldn't. Or I had been for three years already and I was beginning to realize that maybe he would never be able to give me what I wanted.
And then he realized in an effort to work on his issues, I'd become part of the problem. So now we're on a break. Since going on The Break, I've become a girl I completely despise. Jealous, insecure, bitchy and downright mean. I take it out on him with snarky texts and pointed comments. I feel terrible about it as soon as the words come out of my mouth, but I've realized I'm going self-destructive.
So that's where my life is. Even if no one reads this blog, I just need to talk about this stuff. And most importantly, I'm tired of being this angry person all the time. So maybe, if I vent to the anonymous Interweb, I can stop taking my anger out on him. Don't get me wrong-- I know I'm entitled to be angry. There are tons of stories for this blog that will wait til another time. I'm just sick of being so mean to someone I love. I don't want to have a Sid and Nancy thing going.
In the future, I don't know if I'll be so chatty, but I guess we'll see...
